Of Pew-Pew and Patriotism: How I Earned My First Battle Hero Medal (While Having an Identity Crisis)

By: A Confused Yet Decorated Nuradeen

Eclesiar, Day 199 — It was the third day of my service. I was still figuring out how to equip a helmet properly without wearing it backward. Suddenly, at around 3:30 AM Malaysian time, while most warriors were asleep (or grinding XP in other games), I received an order from my commander.

“Attack Suez… but make sure to LOSE the battle.”

That was it. No clarification. No footnotes. Just a classic ‘win by losing’ strategy. As an obedient Saudi patriot and slightly sleepy soldier, I didn’t ask questions. I suited up.

Round 3 Begins:

Fueled by teh tarik and blind faith, I charged into Suez like a Salamander Space Marine on a mission. I unleashed damage like Rambo with WiFi. My pew-pews echoed through the empty battlefield, or at least, they echoed in my head. According to witnesses, the battle sounded more like a squirrel chewing bubble wrap.

Only after a few glorious minutes of solo combat did I realize...

Saudi Arabia was winning.

I was Saudi Arabia.

I was not supposed to win.

Cue the tactical retreat.

I sprinted across the digital no-man’s-land, jumped over imaginary barbed wire, and dove into the Egypt trench like a true double agent. I started pew-pewing at my former comrades, who didn’t exist because surprise, I was still the only one fighting in the war.

As the round came to an end:

I was out of ammo, starving, and questioning my nationality.

But then… I looked at the stats.

I was the top damage dealer on both sides.

That’s right. Nuradeen of Arabia AND Nuradeen of Egypt.

I was about to be double decorated.

Enter aduch.

From the shadows of the Saudi trench appeared another warrior. He rained damage like John Wick in a budget cosplay. He overtook me as the Saudi Hero.

My dreams of Battle Hero x2 began to fade…

But then, like a true gentleman of war, he stopped.

He stopped just short of overtaking me on the Egyptian side.

Whether out of mercy, respect, or sheer confusion — I will never know.

But that act saved my Battle Hero medal.

I salute you, aduch.

A plaque will be installed in my virtual bedroom that reads:

"Here stood the man who could have stolen both my medals, but only took one. May his pew-pews forever echo in our hearts."

50 years from now…

I’ll be sitting on a holographic rocking chair, sipping space-teh tarik, surrounded by my grandchildren. One of them will ask:

> “Grandpapa Nuradeen, what were you like when you were a baby?”

I’ll take a long pause, look off into the digital sunset, and say:

> “When I was just three days old… I became a Battle Hero.”

Mic drop. Trench closed. Pew pew.

Comments (3)

Gile Maeda I liked it, good writing. It made me imagine the scene, you watching the thief pass by on one side and then go on the other, your little baby player eyes seeing the cruelty that exists in the Eclesiar world. But I wonder, was the thief half a thief? Or did he lack the energy for double theft? I think it's cuter to think that he had compassion and allowed you to keep a medal ?❤️

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20-04-2025 1 Votes

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Vlad Teh tarik. ?

19-04-2025 1 Votes

skaie Love this, and aduch, you gained back a little bit of my respect. kudos.

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Of Pew-Pew and Patriotism: How I Earned My First Battle Hero Medal (While Having an Identity Crisis)

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